Today, this is really all I want. I want so desperately to be filled with the Holy Spirit because my heart and soul are so weak right now.
                Sometimes in life, we are faced with things that challenge us to our core. What I find hurts the most is when it hits hard where it already hurts.
                Last week, I started my “This Is My Life” project, and was forced to face the craving that I know I have, but that I am terrified to admit. I crave love. Full, complete, swallow my heart kind of love. When I do not feel loved, it hits me harder than it would to some because it is my craving. It was my craving growing up as well, and it caused me to search for love anywhere and to trust anyone who said that they would love me. The problem with that is that now, I do not trust. I may say that I do and that you have all of me and know me one hundred percent, but the truth is that I crave love that I always fear I will never get. When someone start to show interest in me, I immediately screw things up by being too forward because I always tell myself; just break it off now. They will not be able to handle you, and that will be that. No pain involved. Except I keep lying to myself, because the exact opposite happens. When I realize that I have pushed someone away, I hate myself and find myself thinking that I will never find that complete mind-blowing love that I crave.
                Having faced this craving for love and realizing who it’s made me become, I have found myself searching and praying for the Holy Spirit to awaken in me and fill me up. I am working on replacing this craving for love with the love that God has for me. I know I sound crazy, because his love for me is always there and always has been, but a part of me still craves for the love of another child of God, because I know that he has sent out the right person somewhere for me.
                Therefore, I guess this is a post that will eventually need an update, because I am at the point of searching for comfort and searching for the Holy Spirit instead of dwelling on my craving.
                I pray that whatever your craving in life be, God helps you find something to fill your heart and soul with more than you can ever ask for. For He loves us, and will take care of us. Only he has our story written out.
                 I would also like to throw a prayer request out there to anyone who might be reading this; last week, I met some amazing people. A group of amazing children of God from Iowa who came to visit us at Glendon! It was phenomenal. My prayer request consists of two things; 1) for them to had a safe return to Iowa  and 2) that I may be reconnected with them. I have taken no names, and no numbers, but I know that with a bit of help, God will send the right people to read this who will be able to help me out J So, moral of the story is.. squash the cravings with God’s love and Holy Spirit? J I think so!
 “Fill me, Holy Spirit”

     So, I`ve messed up a lot lately. And it`s funny that it only takes certain little things to all of a sudden remind you that God was still there, waiting to lead you back to him through his children. 

      Situation; Last week, I had been having what seemed like the worst time. I was dealing with a “crush” that was just eating me up on the inside. The kind of crush that sticks around for a long time, that you see past the imperfections, that you think you could be with. The problem was, it was a one-way thing. And let`s be honest, at first, I was SO embarrassed that I had allowed myself get to that point with someone who didn’t even respect me. So I was completely broken, but trying really hard to be happy, and pretend that I still had hope for things, when in reality, I was so let down by love at this point, that I didn’t want to deal with relationships ever again. I was at this low. A low that, to be honest, I feel like I had never really picked up from since I had started my first year of university in Nova Scotia.

Before I go on and explain what happened next, I have to tell you a story about this lovely little ring. It’s a silver cross ring that I got at Soulfest two years ago. If I had to trace back the last time I was genuinely happy, it would be the day I bought that ring. Now, since that day, I’ve lost that ring about a dozen times. Since then, I’ve also lost my faith about a dozen times. I had NO concrete friendships that led me closer to God in those two years. Some that claimed they were, but I never felt it like I had before with friends back home such as Jillian, Colton or the Theriault Family (Marley included!). I was fighting this big bad world on my own, and giving in.

          My first year at university, I drank with friends all the time, barely showed up to classes, blacked out from partying too much, had a great boyfriend and felt like I fit in. The worst part of all of this was that I HATED MYSELF. I hated “party Ally”. She sucked! Every word that came out of her mouth was to please someone else. That is, until the end of my first year.

By the end of my first year, I was sitting in my room at home, crying over my breakup, when I looked down to the floor and found my silver cross ring. I cried even harder and for a long time after that because I had realized who I had not been pleasing; God. That ring, every time I had strayed from God, showed up in the most miraculous places! The funny part was that the ring, that I found on my bedroom floor in New-Brunswick, had been left behind at university in Nova Scotia. I had left it there, and still don’t know how it made its way back to me, but I was so thankful.

Now, if this was a movie, I’d say “And that’s how I became the dedicated Christian that I am now!” but that’s not at all what happened. Instead, another university year came along, and although I had kept my promise to God that I would not give in to university binge drinking and low cut shirts, I had still forgotten to pray. It’s like God had become the friend that you put on the back burner and always have the intention to hang out with, but never really “have the time” for them. Then, I met Dallas and things were looking up for a while! But then came in my craving; love. As soon as I felt like I needed love, I found someone and did what I had to do for love. In this one university year, I’ve had two failed relationships and some bruised friendships, all because of love. What I hadn’t grasped yet was that that wasn’t the kind of love that I needed. I needed true, pure and unconditional love. But where, oh where was I going to find that? (Sounds like a dumb question now, doesn’t it?)

So, back to last week, when I was in the dumps about boy number three. I felt let down and like I just wasn’t good enough, or that I was aiming too high. On the other hand, I was aiming way too low. I needed to aim WAY up and find God. But before I did that, I crashed. I fell to my knees and cried to God. He is just so amazing in his way of answering. He sent me more than I could have ever asked for. Not only did he send me ALL of his love, but he sent me friends on earth, my sisters and brothers, who wanted to love me too. In that one day, I watched a childhood friend tell everyone about her love for Jesus, got a wonderful and thoughtful message from Amanda, inviting me to join worship services on campus and guess what I found, right there, in my room, moments before going off to the service …

the silver cross ring

“When life knocks you on your knees, you`re in the perfect position to pray.”